Love and War, Ramblings, Reflections, Uncategorized

Five things I learnt from seeing an older man 👩🏻💔👴🏽

There is something about an older man that seems attractive, maybe it goes back to those Neanderthal base instincts, the ones which say men choose women who look like they can bear children and women choose men who can protect them. Or maybe it’s the fact that you’d assume an older man to have more financial security, more worldly knowledge, a taste for culture, to be like a fine wine, more refined. Maybe you can’t be bothered to wait for a boy your age to get to that stage so you try and FastTrack, as it were, to the vintage stuff.

Whatever it was, about three years ago I found myself attracted to a man twice my age, so attracted to him that I entered into a kind of relationship with him. Back then in my mind it was straight out of a movie, it wasn’t seedy it was sexy and now, well, I guess we all change our views on relationships when they end.

  1. You’re only as old as the woman you’re feeling.

Not a particularly nice saying, and although put down under the category of “male banter” when studied it’s got vague death eater/ vampire connotations. It suggests an older man sucking the youth from a younger woman, and that is creepy! I found that while he may have felt like he was getting a second stab at his 20’s a lot of the time I felt as though I was getting a preview of my 40’s. Not something I wanted at all! You see the thing is a man of 40 doesn’t really want to hang around a bunch of 20 something year old’s, and so I was hanging around with people his age a lot more than people my own age, this kind of alienated me from my own friends, and although there was part of me that did enjoy the older crowd, it’s not nice to start to find it hard to relate to your own age group.

  1. Rave but don’t repeat

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love the party, I take years getting ready, I drink unfathomable amounts of bubbly and then I hit the town. I love to dance, I’m the first up on a table, or bar, I love to be a bit of a fool, I take pouting for pictures very seriously and you can invariably find me very close to if not in the centre of attention. But this man had raved when I was in nappies, he’d been through the 90’s clubbing scene, and he was not about to go through it again with me, but the thing is I was not ready to give all that up.

  1. Don’t judge a book

Without make-up I can look quite young, as in teenage young, now for me that’s a blessing but for my ex, not so much. He was slightly grey, that’s not a dig I actually really liked it, but when he had a beard that was a little grey and I had decided to not bother with make-up it really enhanced how different in age we looked. You’d get people staring if we held hands on the tube, and they’d give you that quizzical look, like they were trying to work out if we were an uncomfortably close father and daughter or if we were in a relationship.

I always said oh I don’t care, they’re just narrow minded people, but actually I think it did affect us, it’s not nice to have people constantly stare and judge, and in the end it defiantly affected our relationship, because it made him self-conscious, and meant that he’d always be pushing me away in public.

  1. Money Money Money

I love to be spoilt. I admit it. I adore being taken out, drinks, dinner, theatre clubs, shopping. Now before you start singing that famous Kanye track, I am not a gold digger, because my older man was no millionaire, but being double my age he earned a bit more than me. I learnt that with an older man you are spoilt a lot more than with a boy of your own age, well any boy I’ve ever known. You see a boy of your own age is either on an equally shit wage, or has no job, he can’t afford to pay for everything, and he probably wouldn’t even if he could. With an older man I found him take that role of provider a lot more than any boy would or could. The thing with money though is that it can’t love you, and perhaps because an older man can give you more by way of wining and dining he feels he doesn’t need to give you much in the way of real love. Whereas someone who can’t afford grand gestures, will show his love for you in more genuine and consistent ways.

  1. Parental Guidance 

The only person who can nag me is my dad; the only person who can lecture me is a lecturer. Yet for some reason the older man used to constantly nag and lecture me, because in his words “You’re a child”. Now this was an issue, I mean come on really? It’s weird enough that you’re closer to my Dad’s age than mine without you trying to act like a parent. Then again maybe this is somewhat down to me. In men I tend to look for a protector and a provider, someone who will look after me. Perhaps that combined with the fact that I was much younger made him assume a ‘parental role’ sometimes. Perhaps if I had been 30 and he 50 then it wouldn’t have been an issue?

Now I know this reads as a bitter slag off post, but it’s not one. We had some great times, and there were some good things from him being older but in the main I’d advise caution when entering into a relationship with a man twice your age. Oh and it probably didn’t help that he was married too. More on that situation here.

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